Magnetic Pages Article | 1992-09-02 | 8KB | 41 lines
MPARTICLE
HOW NOT TO DO IT
$(YLHGAHOMM gives advice about girls,"and how not to succeed with them)
! 1) DONT write an extremely dodgy&story full of you and her lovemaking, %and then show it to her expecting her"to enact the whole thing with you %(cream and all). In all my experience!(which is bloody vast), this has #never failed to end a relationship,
however strong.
2) NEVER tell your rival in the$pursuit of the same girl as you any #revealing secrets or snide comments#which he could use as ammunition to"help gun you down in this pursuit.
Several times this has been my#undoing, although, thankfully I now$have managed to disprove some of the#evil rumours that have been spread,%and I have also managed to regain the
frienship of most of the girls
concerned.
" 3) NEVER do a bit of matchmaking,#when this involves setting up the girl you love with someone else,%therefore lessening your own chances.
%I managed (who knows why?) to get the girl I loved to go out with my $best friend, and main rival. He then#ruined all chance of me going out %with her, by telling her lots of lies
about me.
% 4) DONT be too forward, for instance#demanding to be allowed to feel her%breasts within ten minutes of meeting!her. You must act sensitively and"carefully, because she will always#tell you when she is ready for this sort of thing. The skill lies in%deciphering the signals she gives out$in order to know when she wants this%sort of physical contact to start. (I"have never ended a relationship in%this way, to my credit, as I consider
myself sensitive enough to be%careful. It also could be said though
that sometimes I never get far%enough into a relationship for this
situation to take place, as
gently-gently is the keyword)
$ 5) NEVER tell all your friends that#you and her are an item before she !is sure. This could result in all$your friends spreading rumours and
constantly nudging you saying#"Phwough,you're in there !" In some"cases this would almost definitely%put the girl off totally, even if she#was originally going to accept your
amourous advances.
6) DONT write poetry about her.%Unless you are a brilliant poet, or %she is a well educated person with an%appreciation for all poetry, then the"sight of your attempt at a poem or"song will bring her into floods of#laughter. This may encourage her to$like you, but only because she takes
pity on you for being so funny."Usually you are just thought of as#being a stupid wimp. (Not that I am
bitter or anything)
% Follow these six main rules and use#your common sense. Remember, a girl is a young woman from the age of about ten, and she expects to be!treated as one. Don't do anything%really stupid. You won't believe some!of the cock-ups I have made in my
time, for instance: % a) Calling a girl on the phone when"I was having a bit of a drinking bout with a few of my mates, and#belching and swearing, as well as !making lurid suggestions down the&phone. (Georgina, isn't it? P.V.F.C.) # b) Telephoning a girl (let's call%her Rachel), saying 'Rachel, I love
you', and once she said an!embarrassed 'No..?',I slammed the$phone down, ,translating the 'No..?'
as a furious 'NO !!'. # c) Phoning a girl (let's call her#Laura), having spent the previous $three hours mustering up the courage!to call her, and once the phone was answered, I hurriedly said "%Hello Laura, I would just like to say
that I love you loads, and even
though we had that little
disagreement, #I think we can work it out ..", and#having her dad say, "I'll just go
and get her"
$ You may have noticed that all these#three catastrophies occured on me
phoning someone. That is why I%certainly recommend that when you ask$a girl out, it is best to do it face$to face. So much more sincere, don't"you agree girls ('Yes, yes..' says%the Ed) (bugger off! -ed). I only use$the phone for more chummy talks with%girls (To great advantage !!!) sorry,"I'm just happy about a call I made
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